3 Spa Treatments Women Can Keep To Themselves (And 2 That Men Should Embrace)

Gloria Steinem, noted feminist and ballbreaker, once said "The first resistance to social change is to say it's not necessary." She was probably talking about something profound, like a woman's right to vote or creating a law to force people into eating around the center of a Hostess cupcake so that the final bite fills their mouth with creamy ecstasy. (John Kerry has yet to return my calls.)

Today, that quote could be relevant to the increasing number of men visiting spa's, traditionally safe houses where women could gather to share stories of heartbreak, why "he doesn't understand", and secret desires of wild flings with chubby men in their late 30's. (An assumption, based on experience.)

Men don't see necessity in paying someone for simple tasks they can do themselves. If it wasn't for dental insurance, the majority of their oral maintenance would be handled with the soggy corner of a matchbook. The only reason that men are interested in the spa is that women don't want them there. It's a natural reaction, given that the rules of Guydom define: Woman shall not be happy unless that happiness is provided by man.

Of course, being a Venus, I left my passport to Guydom back at the hotel, along with the desire to refer to my houseguests as "Dood!" while watching millionaire athletes adjust their athletic cups on national TV. Thus, I myself find spa visits enjoyable for the sheer physical and emotional pleasure, rather than a co-dependent need to keep the bitches in check.

If you're a guy considering a spa visit, nefariously or not, there are a few things you should avoid and a few you should embrace.

AVOID: Manicures and Pedicures
Average price: $50
What they tell you: "...a pampering experience filled with the benefits of aloe and lavender...will leave your hands/feet looking new, and your senses relaxed..."
What really happens: You get locked into a chair while the mani/pedicurist uses a cheese grater to scrub dead skin off your feet and a miniature pick axe to remove dirt from your nails. All the while they're gossiping back and forth to the other agents of torture about people you don't know and hope to never meet.
What you should spend your money on instead: Nascar Themed Dremel Tool

EMBRACE: Reflexology
Average cost: $80
What they tell you: "...reflex points are pressed to create deep relaxation and restore energy balance..."
What really happens: An attractive woman with the hand strength of a Russian shotputter will drill her thumb into non-erogenous zones, making you wonder if you could actually orgasm from manipulation of your plantar aspect.





AVOID: Waxing
Average cost: $30-80 (depending on the body part)
What they tell you: "...keeps your skin hairless and smooth for longer than other traditional methods...removing large areas of hair quickly, perfect for people on the go..."
What really happens: The waxer tells you that the worst part is anticipating the pain. Guess what, the pain sucks too. To gain experience without the cost, duct tape your nut sack to a bowling ball and let 'er go!
What you should spend your money on instead: Shocking Arm Wrestling

EMBRACE: Facials
Average cost: $60
What really happens: "...luxurious treatment, rich in massage, designed to deeply hydrate the skin..."
Why you'll like it: For a few hours your face will be rid of that layer of french fry grease that won't come off with soap and water. Besides, when was the last time you got to lie in a dark room listening to soothing music while a woman popped your zits?





AVOID: Anal Bleaching
Average cost: $450 for 6 treatments
What they tell you: "...for the person who wants to maintain a youthful look everywhere...look hot and sexy from all angles..."
What really happens: Your bunghole burns worse than the day after your excursion to the "2 for 1 Burrito Special" at the Mexican roach coach setup near the industrial park. And really, you should run away from anything that describes that region as "youthful".
What you should spend your money on instead: Hot Sauce Of The Month Club

In the end, Lisa was heartbroken. So many men, so little use of periods, commas and "an" before a vowel sound.

In a short 4 weeks, she received 240 emails, about 2 of them from men who actually read the profile and were able to write more than 2 sentences introducing themselves fluently and politely asking to chat. The majority of emails were one line sentences, like "how are you?" or "wanna chat?" Others that seemed well written appeared to be form letters, where the content was an extension of the profile description, but no mention of anything in Lisa's profile. Just cut-and-paste jobs. I really wanted to respond to these and see if they could write an original reply.

Remember that this is only the viewpoint of another man...dressed as a woman. While I might have been appalled and disgusted, it may be that appalling and disgusting is exactly what women are looking for. Only the ladies can answer that for sure.

For your amusement, here are some more of my favorites from the Inbox...

"Hearing a voice behind words makes things a little more personal." (In his defense, he was really trying to say something profound.)
"I am hoping you can overlook a few things in my profile and write back." (He was over 70.)
"I know its the internet age but this can be a dificult way to meet people a lot of them are pretending to be something they are not." (His picture showed him with 3 strippers.)
"luved your pro u seem very sweet and i cant believe u get mail saying 'check this out' lol thats kinda lame!" (A response to my profile comment that 'check this out' would not get replies.)
"Hi im new here to life is a little crazy that puts us here email me" (What that mean?)
"what dose a guy like me have to do to say hi. thats it iam going to have to shop at k- mat.... Iam done for sure" (Really don't get that one.)
"not bad for forty lol how do you like me so far " (So far I think you're a tool.)
"hi very pretty pics" (And....?)
"I would be willing to connect with you" (Lucky me.)
"really I am looking for a good all around girl, yet gentle, intelligent, honest, passionate?" (Are you asking me or telling me?)

My Life As A Temptress: The Stallion

The Stallion Profile

(Part of the ongoing Temptress series...)

HOW TO SPOT HIM: The Stallion is the hardest to spot because he can take on the appearance of the other types. He may appear in suit and tie, with a beer or in leather armor. The key to spotting The Stallion is the inanimate objects included in his picture: an electric guitar, sports car or a blond with large breasts. He is a "player" in the real world and the stereotype of a man who needs to compensate for the smaller things. Variations include The Stud, showing his extreme insecurity pictured with multiple women on his arms, and The Lost, typically an extremely attractive man displaying the saddest face in the world...like maybe he has a fear of clowns.

HEADLINE: His headline follows the rules set forth by all successful pickup artists, offering a challenge with a tone of arrogance. He will present a subtle challenge suggesting that if you're the right woman you'll be able to help him heal his wounds from all the ex-girlfriends who didn't understand his weakness for multiple partners and sexual acts considered sodomy in Amsterdam: "Here's the answer to 'Where Is He?", “Nice Guy For An Honest Girl”, “It's Just My Sister Calling”.

DESCRIPTION: The description will appear to be an honest revelation about his sensitivity and vulnerability: “Tired of all the games”, “I'm easy going and just like to have fun”, “Aren't there any women out there who just want to take it slow?”. This is The Stallions way of appearing flawed and vulnerable so that later when the relationship falls apart he'll have plenty of "you knew who I was" excuses to throw back at you and make you the cause for his bad behavior.

WHY YOU'RE ATTRACTED: He's good looking and smooth. He projects confidence and style. He is the bad boy...and we know you ALL want the bad boy!

WHAT TO EXPECT: You'll get the typical player behavior. Mysterious phone calls, from work, his Mom or his best friend that you haven't met. His eyes are always wandering, which he'll explain as ADD. He'll shower you with humorous lines to "charm and disarm". There will always be a common bond with anything that you tell him about yourself. You're doing Jenny Craig? Oh he did that too and loved it! You're thinking about buying a new car? He's got a friend at a dealership that he can introduce you to! You need a hysterectomy? Well don't worry, his Mom had one before he was born and he turned out fine.

ROMANCE RATING: Excellent. He knows what a woman wants and how to keep her feeling the love.

INCOME RATING: Excellent. He's a shmoozer and he can play the system too.

HUSBAND RATING: Poor. He thinks monogamy is a type of wood floor.

SEX RATING: Excellent. It's what he lives for.

OVERALL RATING: Good. Just get used to the word "harem".

Lisa's Inbox Of Shame
"I'm real. I don't understand the people who think women will respond to bullshit."
"Please, no lies and no games. BTW are you really that beautiful in real life?"
"Since I've been on I've had a ton of response to my profile. But I can't lie to you I've fantasized about you more than once, you are such a Goddess!!!"


In conclusion...

My Life As A Temptress: The Arnold

The Arnold Profile

(Part of the ongoing Temptress series...)

HOW TO SPOT HIM: Muscles. That's it. You'll see muscles. If there's actually a shirt, it will be sleeveless. But for most part, you'll see muscles. In some cases, there will be attractive women in the picture as well, gawking at his muscles. There are no variations. If you see bare muscles, you've found The Arnold.

HEADLINE: Headlines will always be a directive, a demand or a comment about perfection: "Try To Impress Me", "You Have To Give More Than You Take", "Second Place Is The First Loser ". Surprisingly, The Arnold does not commit many spelling errors in his headline, a result of a Google search for "pretty words".

DESCRIPTION: Being vapid and simple, The Arnold is easy to spot by the lack of content in his profile. He doesn't understand humility because to him it's one of those long words used by college professors and people who read things with pages. His description will not contain much more than his headline. It will consist of a single, punctuationless, grammatically incorrect sentence, since a Google search for "what do i right about me" doesn't return any helpful results: “Easy goin with a sense of humur and you should to or dont bother”, “want to meet someone nice and must care about herself and be enrgetic”, “what I think is most imporatant in a relationship is honesty, respect and 4-whelers”.

WHY YOU'RE ATTRACTED: If you have to ask, change your search preferences to W4W.

WHAT TO EXPECT: Working out...a lot. Not him, YOU! Face it, he's a trophy. He's the guy you want to bring around your exes and the witches at the office who give you all their sh*t work. Regardless of his inability to speak a coherent sentence this is a guy that Matthew McConaughey looks up to. You'll need to give him a reason to stay with you and anything more than 10% body fat is gonna get you kicked to the curb.

ROMANCE RATING: Poor. There will always be you, him and a mirror.

INCOME RATING: Poor. He doesn't need money. Women like you pay for everything.

HUSBAND RATING: Poor. Once he walks out the door, there are 2.5 billion other women waiting to take your place.

SEX RATING: Poor. If steroids haven't made things shrink you'll constantly be criticized for things like your need to improve your isometric contraction.

OVERALL RATING: Excellent. Come on, have you seen those pictures? He's f-ing hot!

Lisa's Inbox Of Shame
Sorry, The Arnold doesn't contact you, you contact The Arnold.


Up next...last but not least...The Stallion...

My Life As A Temptress: The Venus

The Venus Profile

(Part of the ongoing Temptress series...)

HOW TO SPOT HIM: Photos of The Venus will be more than just the man. His low self-esteem will motivate him to include items and people that are meant to prove that he will be of value to you. The typical profile picture will display his tender and vulnerable side, holding a baby, caring for his ailing grandmother or an S&M ball strapped in his mouth. Variations of The Venus include The Chameleon, depicting middle-age, pot bellied men in Abercrombie & Fitch and SeanJohn fashions, and The Brooder, wearing a look on his face that can only be described as "Why Me God, Why?"

HEADLINE: Given his sensitive nature, headlines will range anywhere from misogynistic bitterness ("Don't Be Another Faker!!!), to desperate co-dependency ("Just Looking For A Friend To Fall Madly In Love With"), to frustrated indifference (“I Hate Myself And Want To Die”).

DESCRIPTION: The Venus is the most complex of all dating animals and is often confused with the The Professional or The Intellectual. He portrays himself as someone who's safe and obedient and more like a woman than you could ever be. His will fill his description with contradictions out of fear that supporting a position may cause any woman with the slightest interest to be turned off: “I'm the funniest guy you'll ever know, except when I'm serious”, "I'm a fiercely independent person who wants to share that independence with someone who can't live without me." A few of them will be incredibly simplistic ("Basically, I'm just like you"), with the expectation that what you've always been looking for in a lover is yourself.
One word of caution! The Venus takes all contact, including viewing his profile, as a sign that you're falling in love. Expect multiple emails, which will increasingly convey an angry tone the longer you take to respond.

WHY YOU'RE ATTRACTED: He's very much in touch with his emotions, communicates well and is eager to keep a relationship healthy and balanced. And who doesn't want their own man doll that generates disposable income and cooks dinner without being asked?

WHAT TO EXPECT: Since The Venus often becomes The Venus as a result of some traumatic breakup you will have to deal with the baggage. There will be deep conversations about his past losses that will be rehashed to death because, as much as he might be into you, he never lets his old wounds heal and just can't understand why his exes ARE SUCH DAMN HATEFUL BITCHES?!?! If you can keep him in check, throw him a bone once in a while and talk down to him he'll always agree with your opinions and obey your commands.

ROMANCE RATING: Excellent. All he wants to do is to please please please! He'll remember all important anniversaries, learn the guitar to serenade you and grow his own roses just to shower you in petals on your birthday.

INCOME RATING: Good. He does OK but is not an aggressive go getter. Just like at home, he'll take whatever orders are handed to him and never complain.

HUSBAND RATING: Excellent. He cooks, cleans and wakes up with the baby. Just like at the office, he'll take whatever orders are handed to him and never complain.

SEX RATING: Good. Ditto on the orders and never complaining, but creativity will be your burden. To be honest he's really just an upgrade from a vibrator.

OVERALL RATING: Good. While The Venus scored Excellent in 50% of the ratings, it's really up to YOU to manage him to have your needs met. Unless you're inherently a control freak, this can take a lot of time and energy. You'll also have to discourage him from seeking his own therapy, because if he ever manages to find a healthy level of self-confidence and self-esteem he's going to dump your ass for someone who appreciates him.

Lisa's Inbox Of Shame
"Thanks for looking and not replying."
"If you search for me on the forums you'll find my favorite recipes."
"What I'd love to have in my life is a girlfriend, without the issue of dating being a factor."


Up next...The Arnold...

My Life As A Temptress: The Professional

The Professional Profile

(Part of the ongoing Temptress series...)

HOW TO SPOT HIM: The Professional gets his name from his choice of profile picture, usually a professional headshot, suit and tie, but never Jean Reno. The more athletic types will be in business casual wear while holding a golf club, tennis racket or polo club. Because of their tendency to be left-brainers, they're not very good with image editing tools and the pictures may be poorly cropped or sideways. Variations of The Professional include The Wild Hog, with leather chaps and $25,000 Harley, and The Intellectual, depicting a professorial, balding middle-aged man who feels that excessive smiling is a sign of immaturity.

HEADLINE: Headlines will resemble a marketing campaign, with an attempt at humor rivaled only by your grandfather at a Shriners convention: “Meet Me In Wine Country?”, "My portfolio is missing YOU!", “Nurturing Teddy Bear Will Do Your Taxes For Free”.

DESCRIPTION: The description will be grammatically correct and very eloquent [boring], likely resembling a balance sheet listing his assets (children, pets, subscription to Fortune) and his liabilities (cares too much, misunderstood, psycho ex-wife who got the beach house). He thinks of himself as an older version of The Frat Boy, having once brought a white-tablecloth Bordeaux to a Mexican potluck barbecue ("Oh my we did have some laughs!"). He'll want to convince you that he can tone it down, with lines like "I'm often the life of the party, but I can have just as much fun at home alone." Emotional stability is an afterthought, knowing that healthy relationships are built on more important attributes: "Looking for a lady that is very secure in life! Financially and physically". If he makes first contact his email will be a form letter.

WHY YOU'RE ATTRACTED: You're not.

WHAT TO EXPECT: Until you are exclusive, get used to splitting the check. Discussion at dinner will include the NASDAQ and the DJIA and anything else that happened during his day, which may be good for you if you've been having trouble sleeping. He's averse to change. As long as the bottom line is in the black all must remain status quo.

ROMANCE RATING: Fair. He'll send you flowers on your birthday and all relevant anniversaries, as long as his assistant has it in her calendar.

INCOME RATING: Excellent. He's dedicated to his work and will always max out his 401k contributions. Don't expect anything more than a basic allowance.

HUSBAND RATING: Fair. He believes in traditional gender roles, including yours being nanny, cook, cleaner and ...

SEX RATING: Poor. Sex will be scheduled and must follow an agenda. One orgasm per participant only please.

OVERALL RATING: Poor. You'll get a place to sleep and 3 meals a day. Unless you can manage a number of boy toys on the side, you'll always perceive prisoners collecting trash on the side of the highway as having more fun than you.

Lisa's Inbox Of Shame
"Work fills my day but I am looking for someone to fill the down time."
"My proposal might seem forward but I will ask anyway."
"I have a healthy balanced personality. Where shall we meet?"

Up next...The Venus...

My Life As A Temptress: The Frat Boy

The Frat Boy Profile

(Part of the ongoing Temptress series...)

HOW TO SPOT HIM: He'll be holding some form of alcoholic, posed with two fingers in a horizontal peace sign or wearing something that the kids today would call "bling". Sometimes he may be wearing a baseball hat with a perfect curve, popped up collar and a shit-eating grin. Variations of The Frat Boy include The Jackass, wearing Johnny Knoxville style sunglasses while lighting his testicles on fire, and The Gangsta, whose hat will be offset and facial expression resembling that of Mr. 50 Cent.

HEADLINE: Headlines will be misspelled and a poor attempt made to use humor to disguise an overactive libido: “Only while suplies last...”, “Lets get swety”, “Cum on light my fier!!!”.

DESCRIPTION: The Frat Boy has a subconscious obsession to prove himself worthy of a role on an MTV reality show. His attempt to project this image will include an introduction that appears to be written as if you're one of his tailgate buddies, expressing his love for some local sports team that you've never heard of. His natural enemies are capitalization and punctuation. Quite often his first contact will be short, resembling a text message: "u r hot", "chk me out", "b my bff lol". He has trouble with common homophones, especially "your/you're/ur" and "to/too/2". Using “like” as an noun, he'll describe an ideal first date starting out at like, a softball game and like, ending with beer pong at like, the apartment of a person introduced to you only as "G".

WHY YOU'RE ATTRACTED: He's young, cute, athletic and full of energy. His lack of parental discipline makes him playful and spontaneous. His childlike stupidity appeals to your maternal instincts and you'll want to care for him like a wounded fawn. Still, he's popular and you want to be popular too.

WHAT TO EXPECT: Lots of talk a lot about what his friends think of him, including how funny it was that time he was so blasted they fooled him into drinking a pint of urine. Quality time will consist of Halo and Guitar Hero, just be sure to let him win. His friends will constantly be trying to sleep with you to get back at him for the time he drew a penis on their face with permanent marker while passed out.

ROMANCE RATING: Poor. When alone and not drunk he may be willing to ask you how your day was. Otherwise, expect roses made out of bar napkins and crotchless panties for your birthday.

INCOME RATING: Poor. His parents still pay for his basic essentials and any money he makes on his own goes to iTunes and The Gap.

HUSBAND RATING: Poor. He will work extremely hard to convince you that giving the baby Tylenol every night to sleep will benefit you in the long run.

SEX RATING: Good. When he is able to perform, his athleticism will help him go all night. Most of the time he'll be in the bathroom riding the porcelain bus.

OVERALL RATING: Poor. Unless you also like to party 'til you puke, you'll always come second to the dude who manages the batting cages.


Lisa's Inbox Of Shame
"i want u baby...i wnt u bad.how are you doing today"
"If your wondering why I dont have a picture I got so many emails I had to take it down."
"chck me out when your done with the loosers a round here"


Up next...The Professional...